(April 1, 1960: Birmingham)
The League of American Black Separatists has awarded Birmingham, Alabama the coveted Gold Black Friendly Community award. Said Andrew X of the League of American Black Separatists (LABS), "In looking to separate Black America from White America, we found few communities that had made as much effort towards this goal as Birmingham has." Andrew X pointed to the usual "separate but equal" segregated schools, and the safety of all Black or all White neighborhoods as good examples of being Black Friendly. But what vaulted Birmingham to Gold status was the city's "cost is no object" implementation of completely segregated water fountains and restrooms.
Andrew X also said that one of the keys to this prestigious award was when he sat down with Birmingham's white mayor, Mr. James Crow, and discovered how much they had in common, and how their seemingly disparate goals really overlapped. "We had always wanted to maintain a purely white society" said Mr. Crow, "but extremist 'Freedom Riders' kept trying to force Birmingham to integrate, claiming that blacks and white can live together peaceably. We just were never comfortable sharing white space with black folks. But we didn't like being called racist and backwards, either."
That's when Andrew X and LABS came in with a proposal to Mr. Crow to help Birmingham achieve the LABS "Black Friendly" recognition. "Here at LABS, we have long believed that Blacks and White can't coexist in the same places, but need separation between each other. Look at the history between Blacks and Whites. There are more of the Whites, they have more power than Blacks do, and we have seen numerous examples of White on Black violence that could only have been prevented by complete separation."
The breakthrough came when Mr. Crow and Andrew X discovered that their seemingly opposed ideas were really the same, only using different words. "When I discovered that 'separation' meant the same thing as 'segregation', but was just a more 'user-friendly' term, I realized that Andrew X and I had common ground on which to work."
Birmingham has expressed a desire to achieve the LABS' pinnacle rating of Platinum status, and already has a plan in the works. "By creating separate (or segregated) entrances to buildings for blacks and whites, and creating special 'colored eating areas' (or "black boxes') in the alleys behind restaurants, Birmingham can be an even more black friendly town that is is now" said Mr. Crow. "Colored is the new sign of safety, and we intend to place signs in separated areas all over town that proudly proclaim these facilities as being for 'Coloreds Only.'" said a beaming Andrew X.
All irony, sarcasm and satire aside, we must never forget.